The Commandments

Now I know that the vast majority of folks out there are aware of the Ten Commandments that were given to Moses by God, atop Mt. Sinai. The Ten Commandments were a sacred and direct missive from God to his people to live by. If one steps back and looks closely at these 10 commandments, regardless of thier religious beliefs, they will see a clear message of common sense that would guide a person through life.

However, there were more Commandments, and these have been found in caves near the Dead Sea in recent times. The story of how they came into being, and why they were never associated with the original Ten, is shrouded in mystery to this day.

In today's modern society, the true message of these original Ten Commandments seem to be confusing, since they were written thousands of years ago, and over that time, languages have changed. Below, are the original Ten Commandments, with a modern translation following, to assist you in a clearer understanding of each.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. What this means, is that in all things, there is a boss, and there are managers...make sure you keep the big guy at the head of the list...
Thou shalt not make thee any graven image, nor any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the waters beneath the earth and thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them nor serve them, for I am a jealous God. ok...now that is some serious stuff there. Here it's kind of clear that falling down before a Lamborghini Countach with teary eyes and hushed words is somewhat frowned on.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. I'm thinking that a few sailors and mechanics are screwed with this one....
Keep the Sabbath day to sanctify it, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee. Now this one is definately workable. Work all you want, but when it's time to kick back and relax, you have a commandment that is backing you up...now how cool is that?
Honor thy father and thy mother, as thy Lord thy God hath commanded thee that thy days be prolonged. Right here it's telling you to be cool with your parents. Now maybe the "peeps" don't always cut you slack, but hey, they did make it this far in life...so they must know something, huh? Besides that, when you get older and become a parent, remember what you did, and hope your kids don't pull the same stuff....
Thou shalt not kill. An easy one..no real translation needed here...besides, killing someone is about the stupidist thing anyone can do
Neither shalt thou commit adultery. I know there's a whole bunch of people out there that seem to have a real problem with this one. What it means, is don't be doing someone else's wife, or be doing someone while you have a significant other. Doing so can lead to all sorts of things...divorce, flat tires on your car, a visit to the doc for a cure for that "burning sensation" just to name a few...so might want to take this one seriously.
Neither shalt thou steal. I'm all for this one. Stealing sucks. People that steal suck. Getting your stuff stolen sucks. Catching and beating people that steal does NOT suck.
Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbor. What this is telling you, is don't be talking smack about other people. It's not cool, and can be a real good way to get your ass beaten (probably why they put this one together).
Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbor's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, his ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. Now I can say I have done alot of things in my time, but never have I coveted my neighbor's ass. This is pretty obvious though. Just because your neighbor has it, don't mean you gotta have it, so get your own stuff....

Now for the rest....

Like I mentioned earlier, there were more commandments that they found in some caves near the Dead Sea. It was discovered some time after the locals were using the scrolls to make cooking fires and as toilet paper, that these were additional commandments and precious manuscripts that dated back to the time of Christ. It was a terrible tragedy indeed.

So what we have done here, is added some modern commandments to the list that may have been on the original, or should have been...you be the judge.

Thou shalt not operate thine automobile with thy head within thine own ass, nor within thine neighbor's ass. For truly it shall come to pass, that thine own automibile shall be smitten, and rent asunder be it from another automobile upon the road, or from a truck of great size, or a tree in the field, but it shall come to pass, oh yes it shall. And we will point and laugh, yes we will....
Thou shalt not alight upon a barstool, and consume the juice of grape or barley from the field and covet thy neighbor's wife, or thy neighbor's handmaiden, and neither shall thou attempt at a "feel" of thy neighbor's wife, nor of thy neighbor's handmaiden, as thou shalt be gravely stricken by thy neighbor or by thine neighbor's neighbors, as thou depart from the house of iniquity that thou hast been within.
Thou shalt not lay with whores of the night, nor with whores of the day, nor any whores, for truly thou shalt be visited upon thine privates with a plague.
Neither shall thou seize upon thine neighbor's last cigarette from within the pack nor shall thou covet thine neighbor's last cigarette from within the pack.
Neither shall thou seize upon, nor covet thy neighbor's last beverage from within thy neighbor's refridgerator.
Thou shalt not bear forth with thine hand, the virus that consumes thy neighbor's computer, for it shall come to pass that thine neighbor who has become consumed with anger, shall come upon thy house, and smite thine computer, and thine oxen, and thine ass.
Thou shalt replace the roll of paper which hangs upon the spool, near upon the commode when thyself are the last to comsume thine roll.
Thou wilst refrain from whining.
Thou shalt take upon thyself, the effort to clean up thine own mess that thou hast created, for it is not thy neighbor's place to clean up thine own doings, it is thine own responsability.
Nor shall thee seize upon thine neighbor's newpaper at the break of the new day, whilst thy neighbor still slumbers.
Thou shalt not cause the commode to flush by thine own hand as thy family member is within the shower.
Thou shalt not look upon the serpent who calls himself the lawyer, lest thou perish in his gaze, nor shall thou cast yourself upon him that practises law for he shall take thine home, and he shall take thine oxen, and he shall take thine ass.
Thou shalt love thine nap. And nap thou wilst do upon thine self, and it will be good.
Thou shalt render unto thine idiot, the hose filled within by sand of the beach, for which it shall be laid upon thier head, and upon thier neck many times until they lay upon the ground. It was once suggested by a lady friend that "a commandment should be thou has thee right to kill thee ex who is thy idiot" at which I replied " nooo, it clearly says "thou shalt not kill" and so this commandment was born (and does seem more gratifying anyway, plus has a remarkably broad range of applications).
Neither shall thou consort nor shall thou accompany the tribe who are known as "Salesmen" lest thine self be rent asunder by guile, greed and deception, for truly it shall come to pass that this tribe shall wither away like seeds cast upon the stone.
Thou shalt not put forth, upon the waters, thy device of electricity, whilst thineself is within the waters, for thou wilst surely become smitten by alternating current and cast out from paradise.
Neither sall thou raise thine hand upon any salesman, for he shall set forth upon thee, the serpent that practises law, unless thine neighbor witnesses not what it is thou do, and truly if this is the case, then refer to commandment XXIV and it will be good.
Thou shall love and respect thine powertools, for truly thine powertools are wonderful and dangerous beasts, but verely I say unto thee, look not away from thine powertools for a moment, nor attempt a forbidden method, lest they seize upon thee and cast off parts of thineself in a most painful fashion.

And on the lighter side...The Bible Says It Like It Is...

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would search for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."